Towards a Better Version of Myself

“Let me fall if I must fall. The one I am becoming will catch me”

– Baal Shem Tov

I’m writing after a really really long time. When I started, my intention was to do a book review. But, somehow, as I started writing down my thoughts, it turned out to be about myself. About the changes that have come in my life in the last couple of years. So I just decided to go ahead with whatever came to my mind.

I’ve heard many writers say writing is an outlet. It helps to process our thoughts and to just pen down whatever we feel without the fear of being judged. I guess they have been right all along. I’ve always hated writing. It doesn’t come easily to me. Sometimes it takes me days just to write the review of a book that I loved. But right now, the words are just flowing.

In the last couple of years, I have stopped or put a pause to so many of the things that I love doing. First and foremost being reading (of course!). Since 2020, every year, the number of books I’m reading has seen a steady decline. It’s not that I don’t want to read. I really do! But I’m not sure how to describe it. I just didn’t have the energy to read. Yes, I know it sounds as if reading is a physical activity. But that’s how I used to feel.

I used to feel so lethargic most of the days. I never had any energy to do anything. I was always tired and sleeping for most of the day. Most people just attributed it to me being lazy. But I’ve always been a very active person. Always the first in a group to do the most bizarre and adventurous things. If I wanted to get something done, I will not rest until everything was planned and executed with the utmost precision. I don’t give up easily and I’m optimistic until the end. I’ve always been a go getter. But the person I have been in the last one or two years was the complete opposite.

I had almost stopped listening to music & audio books. My audio book time was always during driving. And I haven’t really been driving much since Covid. Or maybe to rephrase, I am driving but I have a million thoughts going through my mind that I’m not really able to wrap my head around anything the narrator is saying.

Another habit of mine which I had stopped was walking. I love walking and used to walk around 5 to 6 km daily in the morning. I have been trying to restart this. But after a couple of weeks, something comes up or I fall sick. And I’m not a person who falls sick easily!!

Even though I don’t believe in starving myself but I used to eat healthily. I used to be more conscious about food. But in the last 2 years I have been eating almost only junk. And it shows!!

Now when I think about it, I have stopped doing so many things that I love since the last couple of years.

I miss the old me. I miss the way I used to read every minute I was free. I miss how I used to smile so effortlessly. Now, even though I do smile, it takes a conscious effort from my side. I miss the carefree version of myself.

I still have 3 months to go before I hit forty. Are these the changes that come with getting old??? Or is it something in my control? Something that I can change? Whatever it maybe, I am deciding to go back to being how I was before. Or maybe, even a better version of who I was. I used to be the kind of person who, when I take decision, I stick to it no matter what. Going back to the old me might not be easy. But it is definitely worth trying. As Baal Shem Tov said “Let me fall if I must fall. The one I am becoming will catch me.”

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